dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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