You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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