So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
