i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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