i need an iv and a liver transplant
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
