The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
