She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
