I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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