You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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