You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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