Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
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An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
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Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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