Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
