I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
