you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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