When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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