I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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