I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
