I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
