Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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