Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
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