My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
