I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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