You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
3pm strippers are depressing
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
