this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
My penis needs a shock collar
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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