after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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