You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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