I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
