Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
