I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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