I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Jerry, you need to find god
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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