So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
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I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
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If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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