im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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