if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
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having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
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Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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