I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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