mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
