it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
