Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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