I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
you made out with another girl for some wings
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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