The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
