i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
