Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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