Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
