Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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