btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
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I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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