3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
