I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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