I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
