Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
