two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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