I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
