Got a toothbrush?
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
