i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
