biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
