Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
