I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
